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Build Your Business Online has posted a new item, 'December 2013 Updates'

Here are some updates and announcements to polish off 2013. This past year was one of my best ever in terms of personal growth and lifestyle enjoyment, so I’m in a pretty bouncy mood as I share this…

SBI Buy One Get One Free Special – Extended Through January 6, 2014

In case you didn’t notice, Site Build-It extended their 2-for-1 deal until midnight on January 6th, so if you thought you’d missed it, you still have one more week to take advantage of it.

SBI is a service that helps you create an online business, and they’re very good at what they do. I’ve been recommending them for several years now and have been delighted to see many people succeed with them and escape the rat race.

If you just want to make a website for fun and you don’t care about traffic or income, use WordPress for that since WordPress is free. But if you want a web business that actually makes money (to the tune of thousands of dollars per month), I highly recommend signing up with SBI because they provide an all-in-one solution that’s perfect for beginners who want to start earning passive income online. This includes your education, software, tools, resources, hosting, and social support — and it’s very affordable given what they provide. The education alone is well worth the investment.

Also, depending on what country you’re in and its tax laws, you may be able to take a tax deduction for your purchase as a business expense for the 2013 tax year if you get your purchase in by the end of the year.

For more details on SBI, see my full SBI review. You may also want to skim through my SBI holiday post from last year.

Successfulness – January 12-19, 2014 in Las Vegas

In a couple weeks, Rachelle and I will be speaking at my friend Johnny Soporno’s Successfulness workshop here in Las Vegas, which is a weeklong lifestyle makeover program. This is the 7th time he’s running this workshop and the fourth or fifth time I’ll be speaking there. It will be Rachelle’s second time speaking there.

I’ll undoubtedly be talking about 4D relationships at this event, but Rachelle and I are also planning to stretch ourselves in another way.

As I mentioned in my recent post on 4D Relationships, Rachelle and I will be sharing something at this workshop that we’ve never shared publicly before, which is the D/s play aspect of our relationship. This includes demoing some of the things we do to increase the emotional, sensual, and sexual intensity of our connection. We’re not planning on pre-scripting what we share, so we’ll be sharing and demonstrating whatever arises from spontaneous inspiration in the moment.

Johnny’s Successfulness workshop is a highly transformational experience for many people, not always because of the content but often because of the social immersion aspect. Spending more than a week with people who are enjoying happy, fulfilled, socially abundant lifestyles can serve as a major wake-up call and lead to all sorts of active changes.

I very much encourage you to attend if you can make it. And be sure to hug Rachelle and me when you see us!

Awaken the Rebel: Live! – January 18-19, 2014 in L.A. ($100 Discount!)

I’m also happy to share that I’ll be speaking at the Awaken the Rebel: Live! event in Los Angeles in January, hosted by my friend Shereen Faltas.

I first met Shereen earlier this year, and I was impressed by her passion for helping people escape the rat race. I figured we’d end up working together in some fashion eventually, and now that’s becoming a reality.

If you’re tired of being a corporate slave and would like to engage in a life of passion, purpose, and abundance, this is a great way to kick off the New Year.

Best of all, Shereen is offering a special $100 off discount for StevePavlina.com readers.

For general admission, use the discount code ATRLiveD786 (normally $297, this gets you in for only $197).

And for VIP registration, use the discount code ATRVIP489 (normally $397, this gets you in for only $297).

These discount codes expire January 8th.

Additionally, you can bring a friend, significant other, relative, or co-worker for only $97 more if you’d like.

Visit the Awaken the Rebel: Live! website for all the details. Hope to see you there!

New PhotoReading and Paraliminals Discounts

I’m happy to announce that Learning Strategies (a company I’ve done business with since 2006) is graciously offering all StevePavlina.com readers major discounts on their flagship personal development programs, PhotoReading and Paraliminals.

PhotoReading

PhotoReading teaches you how to triple your reading speed, so you can go through books, including ebooks, much faster than before.

The Classic PhotoReading Course is normally $245, and the Deluxe PhotoReading Course is normally $530. But you won’t have to pay that much…

With this discount you can order the Classic PhotoReading Course for only 4 payments of $30, which saves you $125.

Or you can order the Deluxe PhotoReading Course for only 10 payments of $36, which saves you $170.

For details about these courses, see my PhotoReading review.

Paraliminals

Paraliminals are unique meditative audio programs designed to condition your mind for enhanced results, such as increased productivity, greater confidence, and better health. They deliver different messages to each ear simultaneously, and they’re recorded with special Holosync technology that uses binaural beats to put your mind into a relaxed and receptive state. I've been listening to Paraliminals regularly since 2006, and I’ve found them very effective.

Normally the individual Paraliminals sell for $29.95 each, and the Complete Ultimate You Library (dozens of Paraliminals) is $809.40.

With this discount you can order the Complete Ultimate You Library Paraliminals collection for 12 payments of $40, which saves you $329.40 off the original bundle price and $658.10 off the individual Paraliminal price.

I own the complete set, it’s one of my favorite collections in my personal growth library. This is a nice opportunity to get the whole set of Paraliminals at a major discount from the regular price… and to spread the payments out over a full year.

For details about the Paraliminals, see my Paraliminals review.

Both PhotoReading and the Paraliminals come with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Setting Goals for the New Year

This is a time when you’re probably reflecting back on the past year and forming your intentions for the coming year. Here are some articles to help you get into the right mindset for setting fresh and achievable goals for the New Year:

• How to Set Goals You Will Actually Achieve – Why you should abandon the idea of S.M.A.R.T. goals
• Do Your Goals Conflict With Your Personality? – How can you tell if you’re setting goals that make sense for YOU?
• How to Order - Avoid the trap of setting fluffy goals that you’ll never achieve
• How to Achieve Stretch Goals – Tackle those really big desires intelligently
• Broadcast Your Desires – Attract strong social support for your goals
• Goals Into Habits – Break larger goals into simple daily actions

Remember that all of my online articles (over 1200 of them), podcasts, YouTube videos, and social media updates are uncopyrighted. You’re free to share them, republish them, translate them, and even turn them into products and sell them if you wish.

Trello

For help keeping track of your goals and projects and breaking them down into action steps, I recommend you check out Trello. It’s a free online service that I’ve been using lately to manage a group project as well as some personal projects. This 6-minute video will give you a basic overview of how it works. I’ve only used it for about a week, but so far I’m impressed. It’s very intuitive and flexible, so you can start using it productively within a few minutes. And it’s free. They have a paid version ($5 per month), but I think the free version is more than adequate for most people.

So check it out if you’re looking for something along these lines, and if you come up with some creative ideas for using it, please let me know what you’ve done with it.

I have to give a big thumbs up to Fog Creek Software for including a color blind friendly mode in Trello, which adds stripes to some of the color labels. As a color blind person, I really appreciate this attention to accessibility. Now I don’t have to avoid using blue and purple together. Thanks a bunch for including that, Fog Creek. I wish more software developers would include such a simple feature.

Happy New Year!

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Steve Recommends


Site Build It! - Use SBI to start your own money-making website

Getting Rich with Ebooks - Use ebooks to create streams of passive income

Lefkoe Method - Eliminate a limiting belief in 20 minutes

PhotoReading - Read books 3 times faster

Paraliminals - Condition your mind for positive thinking and success

The Journal - Record your life lessons in a secure private journal

Sedona Method (FREE audios) - Learn to release mental and emotional blocks in a few minutes

Life on Purpose - A step-by-step process to discover your life purpose

If you've found Steve's work helpful, please donate to show your support.

Add Steve on Google+  -  Follow Steve on Twitter  -  Get Steve's Free newsletter

Uncopyrighted by Steve Pavlina

Read related articles:

• NLP Mindfest (Free)
• Last Day to Listen to the Mindfest for Free
• Ultimate You Mindfest Update

You may view the latest post at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2013/12/december-2013-updates/ You received this e-mail because you asked to be notified when new updates are posted. Best regards, Build Your Business Online peter.clarke@designed-for-success.com

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Build Your Business Online has posted a new item, 'Never Put Profits First'

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Most ideas I learned from business books were useless. The rest were downright harmful. Intuition and experimentation have been the best guides.

The #1 assumption business books tend to make is that the purpose of running a business is to earn and increase profits. Some books really hammer on this point, as if you’re an idiot for disagreeing. I found my decisions and results to be the most idiotic when I bought into that model.

I just thumbed through such a book yesterday that someone had sent me in the mail. That book is now in the recycle bin. It will serve a greater purpose as a cardboard box, which is far healthier for all of us than letting someone else read it.

As soon as you walk into the office of a business that puts profits first, you can smell the oppression. It’s almost unfathomable that human beings would accept such a lack of freedom. I dread walking into places where everyone behaves like zombies. The vibe is so disgustingly creepy. No wonder the cartels have such a thriving business. I’d probably drug myself daily too if I had to spend years of my life in a cubicle.

Profits-first is a great mindset if you want to destroy your health, self-esteem, motivation, and relationships. I’d never want to work in such a place, nor would I ever want to subject others to such an environment. People deserve much better than to be treated like cogs in service of a machine.

There are much more empowering priorities for a business. Surely you can come up with something more exciting than, let’s make a bigger number than we did last year.

I rather like this one:

The purpose of business is to empower people to express and share their creativity, for the highest good of all.

It’s nonsense to believe that you can’t have a sustainable business if you don’t put profits first. In my experience it’s much easier to achieve sustainability if you refuse to demean yourself with a money-first attitude.

Instead of putting money first, put creative challenges first. Put growth experiences first. Put fun first. Put the opportunity to work with cool people first. Put contribution first.

I love running my business — so much — because I don’t put money first. Money is a consideration of course, but the bottom line is at the bottom for a reason, right where it belongs.

I’ve been an entrepreneur for nearly 20 years straight now. The years when I put money first were by far the most stressful and miserable ones. The years when I set out to express my creativity, improve my relationships, dive into fun co-creative projects, make a contribution, give more, stretch myself, and so on, were the years when I was the happiest and most fulfilled.

This longer time perspective helps me see that if I create stressful and miserable years for myself, it will eventually add up to decades of such memories, which means that in my older years, I’m going to feel awfully bitter about how I’ve lived. Fortunately I was able to nip that in the bud before I went too far down that path, so now the opposite is happening. I’m getting happier as I get older because I’m stacking up year after year of positive memories. Regardless of how much money I make or don’t make, I remember the fun projects, the creative flow, the intimate friendships, the collaborations, the heartfelt hugs, the people I helped, and so on. I don’t remember what my bank balance looked like.

Generating income from your creativity is great. Let it be part of the challenge. But don’t make money the central purpose of your work. Don’t do things just for money that you wouldn’t otherwise be inspired to do. It’s better to stick to your path with a heart, even if it means getting kicked out of your home because you can’t pay the rent. I’m speaking from experience since I did that once. At the time it was stressful of course, but as a memory it’s something I’m rather proud of, and as a story it helps encourage others not settle for zombie-hood.

Follow your path with a heart, especially in business. Do real work that you find dignified and fulfilling, and you’ll end each year with a feeling of deep satisfaction, regardless of how much money you make. If you trust your intuition, act on inspiration, and take the time to build experience and positive relationships, you’ll find a path to sustainability sooner or later.

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Steve Recommends

Site Build It! – Use SBI to start your own money-making website

Getting Rich with Ebooks – Use ebooks to create streams of passive income

Lefkoe Method – Eliminate a limiting belief in 20 minutes

Paraliminals – Condition your mind for positive thinking and success

The Journal – Record your life lessons in a secure private journal

PhotoReading – Read books 3 times faster

Sedona Method (FREE audios) – Learn to release mental and emotional blocks in a few minutes

Life on Purpose – A step-by-step process to discover your life purpose

If you’ve found Steve’s work helpful, please donate to show your support.

Add Steve on Google+  -  Follow Steve on Twitter  -  Get Steve’s Free newsletter

Uncopyrighted by Steve Pavlina

Read related articles:

• Overcoming Trust Issues
• 2011 Focus
• World of Energy
• Don’t Pay Your Bills
• Being a Savage

You may view the latest post at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2013/12/never-put-profits-first/ You received this e-mail because you asked to be notified when new updates are posted. Best regards, Build Your Business Online peter.clarke@designed-for-success.com

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Build Your Business Online has posted a new item, '4D Relationships'

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For the past several months, I’ve been putting a lot of time and energy into exploring 3D relationships with men and women as well as 4D relationships with women. These terms are defined on my Meeting in Person page.

As a quick summary… in our human relationships we have 4 basic ways of connecting with each other:

• physically (body)
• mentally (mind)
• emotionally (heart)
• purposefully (spirit)

A 3D connection means that we’re connecting strongly in 3 of these areas. A 4D connection means we’re connecting in all 4 aspects.

Holistic Connections

A 4D relationship is more than just the sum of its parts because there’s a synergistic effect when you connect with someone across multiple areas. For instance, a strong emotional (heart) connection can greatly improve communication (mind) as well as physical intimacy (body).

I’ve been impressed by the depth of relating that becomes possible with 3D and 4D connections. Communication is smooth and authentic. People lower their shields and share their true selves. Trust is high. Ideas are shared openly and magnified. Actions flow with less effort. Sex is better too.

One reason that some friends and I were able to create a new audio program in only 3 days last week (9-10 hours of very powerful content) is that we have 3D friendships (mind, heart, spirit). We share ideas with each other, including masterminding together for a full day earlier this year in Oslo. We share our concerns, our hopes, our failures, and our successes. We support and encourage each other to live empowered lives, to grow, to inspire others, and to serve the greater good.

Consequently, we worked very well together as a team, and we continue to do so as we prepare to launch our new audio program. We’ve had a fairly easy time making decisions by consensus where I’ve seen other teams fall into extended debate. I think we’ve done a good job of setting aside our individual egos and putting the best interests of the team, the project, and the value we wish to share first.

I really enjoy collaborative projects. Seeing someone as above or below me in some kind of hierarchy or command structure doesn’t feel good to me. There’s a special flow that arises when everyone on a team is on equal footing. If the relationships between team members are strong, synergy is high. When the relationships break down or weaken, falling back on a command-based structure can’t quite make up for the reduction in trust and flow. Such a team can still have a leader or manager, but people will only truly give their best efforts to support team members they genuinely like and respect, and fairness is essential to that dynamic.

To create more authentic 3D relationships in my life, the #1 key was to say no to partial matches. Those 1D and 2D connections can be oh-so-tempting to accept, but when I kept allowing them in, I wasn’t able to create enough space for the 3D connections to show up. This is typical of many personal growth challenges. We don’t get the golden prize until we stop chasing fool’s gold. Look how shiny it is! It’s close to real gold. Maybe it will eventually become real gold. There’s always hope, right?

How many people still show up at jobs they dislike, waiting for something better to come along? When they finally quit, that’s when the new opportunity finally comes through. Getting clingy with partial matches is a surefire recipe for stuckness.

Most of my 3D relationships are with other men, but I’m gradually developing more of these relationships with women too. An example would be Shereen Faltas. She and I first connected earlier this year and spent some time getting to know each other in Vegas and L.A. We’ve had some fascinating conversations together (mind), compared notes on some similar emotionally challenging situations we recently went through (heart), and since we love the idea of helping people wake up from the doldrums of corporate employment, we’ll be sharing the stage together at her upcoming event in L.A. called Awaken the Rebel: Live! (spirit).

4D Relationships

Even more intense than 3D relationships are the 4D ones. This means adding physical intimacy into the mix, along with cultivating strong mental, emotional, and spiritual connections.

This year I’ve only had the chance to explore a few 4D relationships, with varying degrees of depth and duration. They require more compatibility than 3D relationships, so in that sense it can be more challenging to find a solid match.

One of these 4D relationships is with my girlfriend Rachelle.

Physically Rachelle is as much of a cuddleslut as I am. When we’re together we love to touch and hold each other and share affection freely. We usually cuddle and make out several times per day. Sexually we’re as compatible as two people can get. We know how to turn each other on with ease, and we love to tease each other and play with the flow of sexual and emotional energy between us. We’re both very sex-positive people and enjoy the delightful pleasures of our physical connection without shame, fear, or guilt. We also enjoy playing with other partners now and then who have similar attitudes.

Mentally we enjoy deep conversations and extensive common interests. We’re both long-term vegans. We value service and creative self-expression more than money. We love to travel. We love exploring new museums together, going to plays, and taking long walks. We both have a quirky sense of humor and play together in the silliest ways sometimes. We like the same types of music and movies. We can be just as comfortable playing introverts as we are playing extroverts. We love sharing new learning and growth experiences together. Rachelle is my best friend, and I am hers, and we love and cherish that friendship.

Emotionally we’re deeply in love with each other. We share our feelings openly and freely, even when it brings tears to our eyes. We frequently tell each other how lucky we feel to be in each others lives. We gush appreciation and gratitude for our relationship. We avoid the trap of taking each other for granted. We emotionally comfort, support, encourage, and uplift each other. The abundance of love and warmth that flows through our relationship is just amazing. Simply thinking of Rachelle makes me feel very loved. Even when we’re in different cities, we frequently send loving reminders to each other.

Spiritually Rachelle and I came together to help each other explore a powerful and challenging path of growth. We both wanted to stretch ourselves by exploring an open relationship. We wanted to explore our sexuality in some very non-vanilla ways. We wanted to open our hearts and share all aspects of ourselves without holding back. We willingly entered into a long-distance relationship, whereby we’re together about 6-7 months out of each year and in different cities the rest of the time. We wanted to explore more of the world together. We had a strong shared purpose in coming together.

After almost 4 years in a relationship together, I feel more in love with Rachelle than ever.

Despite the long-distance aspect and the growth challenges we take on together, my relationship with Rachelle feels effortless. It flows so easily and naturally. I think one reason is that we both held out for what we wanted instead of settling for something else, so when we first got together, it was one of those “you had me at hello” situations. We let ourselves fall in love together with grace, ease, and lightness. We enjoy each other immensely.

One strength of our relationship is that Rachelle and I have a high capacity for forgiveness. One of us will occasionally frustrate the other, but it’s generally easy for us to let go of negative emotions and get back to love. One reason is that we enjoy each other’s touch so much that if we ever feel tempted to “punish” each other, we also have to deprive ourselves of what we most enjoy, so that doesn’t last very long. It’s pretty difficult for us to feel frustrated with each other when we simply let go and cuddle. In that sense you could say we’re positively addicted to being in love with each other; it’s like a gravity well we can’t escape. Additionally, spending time apart, sometimes as much as 2-3 months at a stretch, always gives us the opportunity to miss each other and to long for each other’s company again.

Is our relationship perfect? As exaggerated as this may sound, I’d have to say yes, it is. More accurately, it’s perfect for me. The love and the depth of connection we share is so strong and bright that I genuinely feel that what I most desire in this part of my life is exactly what I’m experiencing. Our relationship has its share of challenges, but since I accept those challenges instead of resisting them, the challenges just enhance the beauty of our connection. I have what I want here, and I love it!

4D Relationships and Growth

Since sharing growth experiences is a big part of our relationship path, Rachelle and I decided to stretch ourselves next month by doing something we’ve never done before.

We’ll both be speaking at our friend Johnny’s annual Successfulness workshop in Vegas. That by itself is something we’ve both done before. But this time we’re going to speak together about something we’ve never shared publicly before, which is the D/s play aspect of our relationship. This includes demoing some of the things we do to increase the emotional, sensual, and sexual intensity of our connection.

In a long-term relationship, there’s a tendency for intimacy to increase while intensity diminishes. To avoid that situation, Rachelle and I put a lot of energy into keeping the intensity of our connection high. We do specific things to renew and intensify the feelings we have for each other pretty much every day, even when we’re in different cities. We don’t allow our connection to become too boring or routine. We’re always spiking the energy back up. And since we’ve been together for almost 4 years, we’ve become very good at this.

Until now this has always been a private part of our relationship, not something we normally do in front of other people, except occasionally in a silly or playful way around close friends. Otherwise we’ve never shared this part of our connection in front of an audience before. Doing so will likely be an emotionally intense experience for us… and possibly for the other people in the room as well.

Additionally, we’re not planning on pre-scripting what we share, so we’ll be sharing and demonstrating whatever arises from spontaneous inspiration in the moment.

The reasons we want to lean into this experience are varied and complex, but the main reason is that we feel this would take us to the edge of our comfort zones and possibly beyond. We want to explore that edge together. Sharing these kinds of growth experiences is one of the reasons we’re in each other’s lives.

I’d also like to encourage and challenge others not to ignore the intensity aspect of their relationships. Long-term intimacy is beautiful, but keeping the passion and intensity alive can make the connection even stronger.

A 4D relationship isn’t static, and it’s not always comfortable. When you really connect with someone in this fashion, you’ll surely be leaning into new growth experiences, some of which may surprise you.

Multiple 4D Relationships

Let me also share some thoughts about another edge of my comfort zone in this particular area.

Up to this point, when I’ve explored other 4D connections, these explorations usually happened while Rachelle and I were in different cities and with women who lived outside of Las Vegas. Because of this, the physical aspect of these other connections has been temporary; it lasts while we’re in the same cities, and after that we have the option to stay in touch online… and to reconnect in person again when we happen to be in the same city.

Consider this the 4D version of the “100-mile rule”, which is a rule that some people in open relationships use. It means that you can connect with other people as long as you and your primary partner are at least 100 miles apart.

But as I keep leaning in this direction, it’s predictable that eventually the streams will cross.

On the one hand, exploring multiple 4D connections in the same place at the same time is exciting. But it’s also outside of my comfort zone. I’ve never done it before. I can’t predict how it will turn out.

The growth-oriented part of me really wants to lean into this. It seems like a significant mental, emotional, and social challenge. There’s a lot that could go wrong.

The comfort-oriented part of me wants to be lazy and just relax into the security of my wonderful-as-is relationship with Rachelle and not complicate things.

In the end I’ll choose the path of growth because it’s what I always do. It’s why I’m here.

Rachelle knows this about me. It’s one of the things she loves about me. She knows I’ll keep leaning into new growth experiences and won’t allow myself to settle for comfort and security. And she knows I want to share that journey with her. I feel very lucky to have her in my life. Not many women could handle being in a relationship with someone who lives the way I do.

Finding women interested in exploring 4D connections together actually hasn’t been that difficult. They tend to just show up in my life spontaneously, and I expect that to continue. But what woman has the courage to delve into this while Rachelle is physically present too? I don’t know, but I’d love to meet her. So would Rachelle.

Perhaps what I find most appealing about 4D connections is that they’re intensely transformational. It’s impossible to explore such a connection with someone and not emerge a different person from it. Since I love growth experiences, I’m drawn to explore 4D connections like a moth to a flame, partly because of this transformational effect. When I connect deeply and intimately with another person, I feel awake, alive, and aware like never before.

Where’s the edge of your comfort zone in relationships? Do you see value in leaning into that edge? Or would you prefer to play it safe?

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Steve Recommends

Site Build It! – Use SBI to start your own money-making website

Getting Rich with Ebooks – Use ebooks to create streams of passive income

Lefkoe Method – Eliminate a limiting belief in 20 minutes

Paraliminals – Condition your mind for positive thinking and success

The Journal – Record your life lessons in a secure private journal

PhotoReading – Read books 3 times faster

Sedona Method (FREE audios) – Learn to release mental and emotional blocks in a few minutes

Life on Purpose – A step-by-step process to discover your life purpose

If you’ve found Steve’s work helpful, please donate to show your support.

Add Steve on Google+  -  Follow Steve on Twitter  -  Get Steve’s Free newsletter

Uncopyrighted by Steve Pavlina

Read related articles:

• Three-Person Relationships
• Open Relationships and Friendship
• Enjoying Rich and Abundant Relationships
• How to Create Intimacy
• Why No Women?

You may view the latest post at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2013/12/4d-relationships/ You received this e-mail because you asked to be notified when new updates are posted. Best regards, Build Your Business Online peter.clarke@designed-for-success.com

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Build Your Business Online has posted a new item, 'Resting in Discomfort'

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At Rich Litvin’s coaching workshop that I attended earlier this month (partly to speak there and partly to learn), Rich talked about how he handles coaching situations where he doesn’t know what to say next. He said that when he doesn’t know what to say to a client, he pauses and says nothing.

Rich pointed out that this definitely feels uncomfortable, but instead of trying to escape that discomfort and regain a sense of control and certainty, it’s okay to simply rest in that discomfort and allow it to be there. Eventually new insights and ideas will come through, and either the coach or the client can start sharing again.

This was one of those a-ha moments for me. Since then I’ve been thinking about other parts of life where I can apply this idea of resting in discomfort.

Preparation vs. Inspiration

As I’ve been doing public speaking for many years, I trust that the words will always be there. I never seem to be at a loss for what to say next. But I credit this to always being prepared.

However, I’ve noticed that with each passing year, I require less preparation for each talk than I used to, and I rely more on the flow of ideas that come to me while I’m on stage.

Instead of being in my head remembering what to say, I pay attention to the audience members, the mental and emotional energy of the room, the inspired ideas that are coming through in the moment. These days I speak more from present-moment inspiration than from advanced preparation.

I always prepare in advance though. I always have a plan for what I’m going to say. But more often than not, I break from my plan when I speak and just go with the flow of inspiration as it arises.

About 10 years ago when I’d give a speech, I’d stick to my prepared plan almost 100% of the time. If I planned to say it, I said it. If I didn’t plan to say it, I didn’t say it. This meant that I was very much in my head when speaking. This is largely the Toastmasters style of speaking. You prepare your speech in advance. Then you deliver it as you prepared it.

After a few years of this approach, I began breaking from my plan about 25% of the time. I’d begin each talk as I’d planned, but if a compelling idea came up partway through my speech, such as the urge to tell a different story, I’d sometimes allow myself to go there. I found that these unplanned parts of my talks had extra energy in them and were generally well-received. I also found it interesting that the audiences didn’t know that I’d gone off-plan. Audiences don’t know what I have planned, and so they normally assume that whatever I said was what I’d originally planned to say.

Early in my Toastmasters career, I saw a woman give a very eloquent 10-minute speech. I complimented her afterwards and asked her how long it took to memorize and/or rehearse it. She told me that she didn’t — she was just speaking off the cuff. I was impressed that someone could deliver such a clear flow of ideas like that. This gave me a sense of the direction I wanted to go with my own public speaking.

When I began doing my own 3-day workshops in 2009, I was still sticking to my prepared material about 75% of the time. By early 2012, it was closer to 50-50. I’d always prepare fully, but I’d break from my plans with increasing frequency. Sometimes I’d even make up additional audience participation exercises, group activities, and games on the spot. If an idea felt inspired to me, even if I’d never tried it before, I’d run with it. These ideas usually worked very well. And no one knew that they weren’t part of the original plan.

During the past two years, I’ve gone from 50-50 to about 75-25 the other way, so now I’m only doing about 25% prepared material, and the other 75% includes whatever inspired ideas flow through me in the moment. I’m still preparing 100% in advance, but when I get on stage, I’m only using about 25% of what I’d planned. So naturally I’ve been wondering if it makes sense to plan so much material that I’m not even going to use it.

As I step away from preplanned material and speak more from the flow of inspiration in the moment, the energy of my talks has shifted. I speak less from my head and more from my heart. I feel more in tune with the audience. I’m more centered in the present moment.

Despite these positive results, I hesitated to go into a speech with no prepared material whatsoever, except in very limited and informal situations. I held the belief that being unprepared and speaking entirely off the cuff was irresponsible. When I prepare in advance, my talks always have a structural backbone. I can break from that structure as inspiration hits me, and then I can return to it and continue with my prepared material as I see fit. In those situations, my inspired diversions are always tethered to my original plan.

If there’s no prepared backbone to a talk, I’d have the freedom to go wherever inspiration leads. But there’s the risk that it will lead me down a blind alley. With an article I can always go back and edit mistakes, tighten up the flow, and cut parts that don’t feel quite right. But in a real-time speech, there’s no chance to go back and edit.

Rich’s idea of resting in discomfort was the final piece I needed to step into this style of speaking. The truth is that I can’t guarantee that it will work. If I get stuck, however, I can give myself permission to rest in that discomfort until I see where to go next. I can even share that discomfort with the audience. I can pause and invite them to ask questions. If I accept that this discomfort may come up and surrender to that possibility in advance, then I feel little resistance to speaking 100% from inspiration in the moment. It seems like it would be a fun challenge.

Discomfort in Relationships

Another area where I’m applying this idea is in my relationship life. For a few months now, I’ve been really interested in exploring 3D and 4D relationships while letting go of the 1D and 2D varieties. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, these ideas are explained on my Meeting in Person page.

One situation that comes up occasionally is the opportunity to explore a connection with a woman who’s had some major trust issues in her past, such as lying, cheating, or abuse. This can make it difficult for her to trust people, especially men, but a genuine 3D or 4D connection requires strong mutual trust; otherwise the relationship doesn’t work.

On the one hand, I have a lot of compassion for such women. My ex-wife Erin was date-raped at age 17 and then fell into an abusive relationship for 3-1/2 years, and it took her a long time to recover from that. From her I learned a great deal about abusive relationships and the long-term effects they can have on people.

I’ve also had my own share of problems with people lying to me, as I shared in the Overcoming Trust Issues article.

In the past I’d typically handle these situations in one of two ways.

If the woman seemed too distrusting or jaded, I usually declined to get involved with her. Connecting with her can be like trying to pet a cat that claws and hisses at you for your efforts. Why bother? I really don’t need the kind of drama she might introduce to my life. It’s much more pleasant to connect with women who don’t have such negative associations to intimacy.

At other times I wanted to help the woman heal. I saw her as emotionally broken and wanted to fix her. This approach rarely had positive results though. In the end, we must choose to heal ourselves.

These were strategies to help me escape my own discomfort. Dealing with someone who doesn’t trust me can be very uncomfortable for me. I’m used to high-trust, honest, open relationships where authentic communication is normal and natural. When I connect with someone who doesn’t trust easily or who frequently misinterprets others’ intentions, I feel very out of my element. I want to get out of that place immediately, either by pushing the woman away or by trying to heal her apparent trust issues. I dislike that kind of energy in my life and feel like I need to wash it off afterwards, as if I’ve just been splashed with muddy water from the gutter.

The a-ha moment that Rich gave me was to realize that there’s another way to handle these situations. Instead of needing to escape the discomfort, I can allow it to be. I can feel deeply misunderstood and not immediately run away from that feeling. I can allow the woman to be suspicious and jaded and not flee the scene. I can rest in my discomfort without pushing her away and without trying to fix her. I can let her behavior disturb me, bother me, knock me out of my comfort zone.

This is something I’m just beginning to lean into, so I’m not sure where it will lead yet. One positive effect is that if someone is “in their stuff” and projecting past hurts onto me, I now have the option to rest in that discomfort without taking it personally or blaming the other person.

Being Vegan in a Non-Vegan World

One area where I’ve already been applying this “resting in discomfort” approach for many years is my vegan lifestyle. This January will be my 17-year anniversary of being vegan.

Originally this transition was fueled by curiosity more than anything else. It began as a 30-day trial, and the trial never ended. We’re coming up on day 6,200. Initially I kept going because the mental benefits impressed me. After several months animal products lost all their appeal. I stayed vegan because it felt normal to me. I ate what I wanted to eat. I wasn’t tempted to consume an animal’s flesh or eggs or milk. To me those are all non-food substances, on the same level as mucus, feces, or vomit — not remotely appetizing, regardless of how they’re processed. The thought of putting that stuff in my mouth disgusts me. Not my kind of fetish, regardless of how many people are into it.

As I learned more about the environmental and societal effects of our food choices, the ethical aspects of being vegan began to sink in. With those realizations came this rising discomfort. My thoughts, feelings, and beliefs towards animals had taken me pretty far beyond my prior social conditioning. For one, I didn’t feel that there was any meaningful distinction between pet animals like dogs and cats vs. dinner plate animals like pigs, chickens, and cows.

Some vegans address this discomfort through activism. The planet is broken, so let’s fix it. Let’s wake people up! Let’s put cruelty behind us. Let’s take the moral high ground and do what’s right, even if it’s difficult. I adopted this mindset too at one time. I’ve attended vegan rallies and have donated thousands of dollars to pro-vegan charities.

Others cocoon themselves in a community of like-minded people, so they don’t have as many triggers for the discomfort.

For most of the time I’ve been vegan, my approach has been to rest in this discomfort. Allow the feelings to be there without trying to escape them.

Every week, meat eaters collectively slaughter 3 billion animals in order to eat their flesh. That’s 3,000,000,000 animals per week! To imagine this on a human scale, it would be like killing the entire population of the United States and Mexico every single day. About 60 million people died in all of World War II — that many animals are now killed for food 7 times per day. The scale of this operation is almost beyond imagination.

Beyond the cruelty aspects, this mass daily slaughter requires an insane investment of land, labor, and natural resources. Can you imagine the logistics involved in breeding and killing a population the size of the USA and Mexico every single day? It requires an astronomical investment of water, electricity, fuel, and labor. It also produces more waste products than you could imagine, especially greenhouse gases.

Does it make you uncomfortable to know this? Do you care about your role in all of this? Do you care enough to change what you put on your dinner plate? Are you doing what you believe is right… or are you doing what’s most comfortable?

It sure makes me uncomfortable. At times it gives rise to some pretty strong emotions.

When I see friends eating animal foods, knowing what goes into their production, it pulls on my heart strings. I feel sad for the animals that suffer and die, unnecessarily, to feed the taste for flesh. Depending on what the person in front of me is eating, it may also trigger some nausea. The smell of fish or the sight of something that used to be on the inside of a cow are unpleasant experiences to be sure.

If I could change only one thing about this planet, it would be to see humanity stop breeding, caging, and killing animals and to return to a more harmonious, less abusive, relationship with the animals of this world. If I could surrender my life to make that a reality, I wouldn’t even think twice about it.

I don’t own any pets, but I find it very easy to connect with animals. I see them as my brothers and sisters. When I’m in the presence of animals, I often feel a special energetic relationship with them. I feel naked, as if they can instantly read through any social mask I may be wearing in the moment and see me as I really am. The thought of caging, torturing, and slaying such beautiful creatures seems unfathomable.

Earlier this month I had the chance to hug a wolf for the first time — the female alpha wolf of her pack. It was a delightful experience to connect with her energy, which felt pure, centered, and curious.

There was no fear present in our connection at all. I felt like she was scanning my energy when I first sat down near her. Then she moved closer and let me pet and hug her. Afterwards she licked my face all over. You can see more pics of us in my Google+ gallery.

How do I feel when other people relate to animals with violence? It pains me deeply. But instead of running around trying to fix everyone or fleeing from that pain, I allow myself to rest in the sorrow. Sometimes I apologize to the animals for what humanity is doing to them. It can be difficult to surrender to these feelings, but I find that it helps me keep my heart open and be more compassionate.

Joy and Sorrow

Kahlil Gibran wrote in The Prophet:

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

I love this passage and find it to be very wise and insightful. When we close our hearts to hurt, sorrow, and discomfort, we also close our hearts to love, joy, and connection. When we open our hearts, we make ourselves vulnerable to experiencing many different emotions.

The same sense of compassion that causes me to feel hurt and sadness when I see how people treat animals is the same compassion that enables me to write from a place of inspiration and caring and to give away so much for free. It’s also the same sense of compassion that allows me to enjoy deep and meaningful relationships with the people in my life. A heart that’s closed to animals must also be closed to people. I’m sure some people will disagree with that last sentence; I used to disagree with it too.

Caring is a mixture of joy and sorrow. The two are inseparable. But sorrow needn’t equate to suffering. Suffering is sorrow resisted. Sorrow accepted is emotional growth.

Sorrow burns out our emotional impurities. It helps us see what truly matters to us. When sorrow burrows into us, we tap into a more awakened vision of ourselves. Life doesn’t look so small anymore. In the space of deep sorrow, we form our greatest and most expansive intentions.

I accept that I live in a world where many people relate to animals — and each other — differently than I do. I could choose to join them in their beliefs and attitudes, but I prefer to rest in the discomfort that I experience. Joining others in the mass slaughter of animals as a way of escaping that discomfort doesn’t feel right to me. Nor does trying to fix a society that doesn’t want to be fixed, especially a society that would only claw and bite me for my efforts.

Instead of trying to escape discomfort one way or another, you may find value in resting in your discomfort. Allow it to be there. Surrender to it. Let it carve out a deeper space within you for caring and compassion, even if it sometimes feels like being hollowed out with knives.

If you follow your own path with a heart, you may often find yourself in uncomfortable situations. Instead of escaping back to your comfort zone, play around with leaning into that discomfort. See where it takes you. You may be surprised.

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The Journal – Record your life lessons in a secure private journal

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Build Your Business Online has posted a new item, 'Coaching Coming Together – Recap'

Here’s a recap of the audio recording project I shared in Coaches Coming Together and Why No Women.

The recording project was an amazing success — even better than I expected. Over the course of 3 days, we recorded about 9-10 hours of very unique material.

Our purpose wasn’t to create expert-style, how-to material. Nor was the intent to create a fair and balanced, sanitized, politically correct program.

Our purpose was to explore the edges of our comfort zones, to talk about the parts of our lives where we didn’t have complete certainty, to share things that could give us a vulnerability hangover the next day (as in “Did I really share that yesterday?”).

Our goal was to have very deep, no-holding-back, conscious conversations about our relationship lives and personal growth journeys. We talked about shameful mistakes and setbacks, insights and revelations, and questions we’re still exploring. Our recording sessions included misty-eyed stories, powerful a-ha moments, and silly laugh attacks — all spontaneous, none of it pre-scripted.

What we’ve created is unlike anything I’ve seen out there. I think that’s because of the unique intention we set — to create a new product, yes, but the higher priority was to create a growth experience for each other and to stretch ourselves. The idea was to give people a raw and unfiltered glimpse into how we help and encourage each other to grow.

The main content is audio only. We shot a little bit of video, mainly to give people a clearer picture of what this looked like, but we didn’t feel like watching a bunch of people talk into mics would make for exciting video. I definitely feel that audio was the best format for this.

Next Steps

The content recording is done. Now we have to work through the logistics of getting it ready to release. This will involve a lot of editing work first. With the whole team invested in sharing what we recorded with the world, it’s just a matter of time to work through the launch steps one by one.

Remember that we went into this as a group of friends with an inspired idea. There was no advance planning. We don’t even have a name for this program yet.

A Different Type of Creative Process

One of our goals for this program was to lean into our edges. We definitely did that in terms of what we shared and recorded. For me there was another edge too — creating content collaboratively.

For years I’ve been creating content as an individual — articles, podcasts, speeches, 3-day workshops, etc. Even when I speak at other people’s events, which I’ve been doing frequently, I still have full control over the content I share during my segment. My material is my material.

It was a stretch for me to co-create content like this, a step beyond my comfort zone. As it turns out, I really liked it. No… actually I loved it! It was wonderful to work together as a team and to see what our collective intentions and creativity produced.

I’m also humbled by the fact that we were able to share so much amazing, authentic material in just 3 days — and had a blast doing it.

Individually, as you may already know, I’ve been working for many months on a new audio program on Subjective Reality, which is still in the works and progressing slowly but surely. This program requires an intense amount of thought and meticulous organizing of the ideas that goes into each segment. It’s very tightly structured. I’m still developing this program and will release it when it’s ready, but I’m definitely impressed by how much faster it was to create a collaborative product so quickly.

These are very different approaches, and I see value in both. A carefully planned, logically consistent program has its place, especially for people who want to see all the dots connected and all the loose ends tied up. This is a good approach for creating a complete framework where all the pieces must fit neatly together. But it takes serious cognitive work and a great deal of time to create such a product.

My book Personal Development for Smart People is a good example of the framework approach. I spent about 2.5 years doing the research and experimentation necessary to come up with the 7 principles in that book and to understand how all the principles related to each other. It was a huge undertaking to create a holistic, universal model of personal growth. There was no way to rush the process. In the end I felt really good about the result, and the feedback tells me that this work has transformed many lives for the better. I’m happy to have created such a work that will outlive me. I also use the principles from that book nearly every day, and I have many conversations with other people who’ve adopted the simple yet elegant Truth-Love-Power model for discussing their challenges and lessons. A shared language makes communication so much richer and more meaningful. A number of people have even tattooed the TLP triangle onto their bodies to help them remember to apply those principles daily.

The audio program we recorded last week, however, is a totally different type of product. It’s not a neat, logically consistent, pre-scripted package with a bow on top. It’s not a fully integrated framework. It’s full of unanswered and partially answered questions. It’s raw and passionate and inspired and swirling with potent energies — our desires, our fears, our shameful mistakes, our love of women. As individuals we had no control over how it turned out. None of us had the ability to force the discussion down a particular path. Instead, the group energy led us.

I’ll continue developing the Subjective Reality program using my original process. It will take time because this is a slow and careful method, and I really like how it’s turning out. I’m in no rush. I’ll release it when it’s truly ready. I’m far enough along now that I wouldn’t seriously consider canceling it.

In the meantime I also love the idea of leaning further into collaborative, co-creative experiences. I don’t know where this will lead, but it’s an exciting direction to explore. The fact that a group of friends and I were able to create such amazing content in only 3 days — and had fun doing it — tells me I need to do more along these lines. This definitely feels like one of those “paths with a heart” for me.

Fortunately, these approaches to content creation aren’t mutually exclusive. I enjoy the spontaneity, connection, and beautiful surprises of the fast-paced, inspired, run-with-it-and-see-what-happens approach. But I also appreciate the value of deep and careful thought on a complex topic like Subjective Reality. So I expect to continue doing both.

What I especially enjoyed about the collaborative approach was how much it deepened my friendships with the other guys. I learned many new things about them and feel I understand them much better. I shared things about myself that I’ve never shared publicly before. If you listen to this program, you may see a side of me that would surprise you. I think that’s probably true for all the guys who contributed. So this approach to sharing ideas aligns perfectly with my own path of growth, which has been centered around authentic communication, connection, intimacy, and more.

An obvious suggestion was to do something like this that includes women. I’m all for that. I’ve already been discussing the idea with a few women who expressed interest. The challenge is mainly a matter of logistics — getting everyone together in the same city at the same time. The guys and I agreed that there’s no way we could have done this over the Internet. That in-person energy was essential for creating the right space for this kind of conversation.

As for when exactly we’ll release this new product, I don’t know yet, but I’ll keep you posted on our progress. At least the content is all there, so the rest shouldn’t be too difficult.

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Steve Recommends


Enlightenment Fest - FREE online event on consciousness, intention, and more

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Paraliminals - Condition your mind for positive thinking and success

The Journal - Record your life lessons in a secure private journal

PhotoReading - Read books 3 times faster

Sedona Method (FREE audios) - Learn to release mental and emotional blocks in a few minutes

Life on Purpose - A step-by-step process to discover your life purpose

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Build Your Business Online has posted a new item, 'Overcoming Trust Issues'

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How easy is it for you to trust other people? Do you trust people easily? Or are you often suspicious other others’ motives?

Do you trust life enough that you can quit your uninspired job as soon as you recognize it as such, and know that life will bring you something even better? Or do you need to slow things down and control the process, such as by trying to save up money doing even more work you dislike? Are you paying the price in frustration for your distrust in life?

Do you trust that if you leave your uninspired relationship that life will bring you an even better, more fulfilling relationship experience?

If you leap into your path with a heart, do you trust that life will have your back?

Difficult Trust Lessons

In my early 20s when I was getting my computer games business off the ground, I was a pretty trusting guy. I felt lucky to be entering into a deal to publish one of my games with a major publisher. My team worked on it for months, and then our publisher unilaterally cancelled the deal on us and tried to sue us for absolutely no reason that made sense. It was basically a scare tactic. I was able to convince them to drop the lawsuit, but they killed our project dead, and in the end I was left with a bunch of debt and no income.

I found out later that they apparently had no intention of publishing our game. They simply wanted to tie us up from working with any other publishers since they had a competing game that would otherwise be coming out around the same time as ours. That bad deal really set me back financially. It was the main issue that led to my having to declare bankruptcy in 1999. In my 20s I was way too naive about how dishonest some people were. I got screwed over pretty royally. This was one of the most stressful times of my life.

The CEO of that same company later had to personally pay tens of millions of dollars of fines to the SEC for accounting fraud. Some of the other officers were fined as well. Apparently they were pumping up their sales figures to artificially boost their stock price, thereby screwing their investors too. The old CEO is out, but this company continues to produce and sell millions of copies of their games today, mostly very violent ones.

After that I entered into another problematic deal with a different publisher. Their CEO that was actually a pretty nice guy and seemed honest, but the company just wasn’t doing that well. In the end they had to cancel our project after we worked together for about a year because they ran out of money. Soon they got bought out by a competitor for pennies on the dollar.

I had some big issues with trusting people in business after that — both in trusting their intentions and their ability to follow through.

On the one hand, I can say that this was a good thing because it led me into a direct sales model. Instead of working with publishers, I began selling my games direct via the Internet, and that worked very well. In less than a year I was able to turn things around and went on to publish other developers games too, eventually releasing about two dozen games before I transitioned to working in personal development.

Do You Trust Life?

These days I’ve been able to reestablish the trust I feel towards others and attract very trustworthy people into my life (which is wonderful). I no longer feel so jaded as I once did.

What helped most was to think about trust differently. I began asking whether or not I could trust life itself. Did I trust the universe? Did I feel this was a safe reality I was living in? Or was this a place where I had to protect myself?

In the end I realized that my relationship with life exists in my mind. So I can change it.

Same goes for my relationships with other people. They exist in my thoughts and feelings. They’re mental and emotional constructs.

Then I realized I have two options. I could trust life. Or I could distrust it. I mentally explored both possibilities and pondered what kind of life each possibility would yield. How would I live if I trusted life? How would I live if I didn’t trust it? I encourage you to ponder both options thoughtfully, such as by journaling about this, and see where it leads you. I think you’ll find this to be a very eye-opening exercise.

In the end I concluded that trusting life was the better option. I might get screwed over in the short term on occasion, but if I really trusted life, then I’d always give it the benefit of the doubt. This would cause me to reframe any seemingly negative experiences as life lessons. I’d forgive, extract the lessons, and move on.

I could also predict that this mindset would eventually attract some great relationships with genuinely trustworthy people. If I’m the trusting sort and I meet another trusting sort, we’re going to connect with a truly delightful depth since our relationship will be largely free of suspicion and shielding. The opportunity to enjoy deeply intimate, unshielded relationships seemed a bit intense but also very appealing.

On the other hand, if I chose to distrust life, I’d always be filled with suspicion. I’d go through life being shielded and feeling that I had to constantly protect myself. I probably be alone quite a lot, even in the company of others (do you know the feeling?). I’d have to deny myself the deepest forms of intimacy since that would make me too vulnerable. Who’d want to be in a relationship with a guy who was always suspicious and shielded?

Was that the kind of life I wanted to experience? Hmmm… that’s a tough life to accept. Is being hurt now and then really so bad?

On balance I felt that trusting was the better option because it would almost certainly lead to a more interesting, engaged, and fulfilling life. The other path looked dark and dreary and disconnected. I made my choice.

Reframing Pain

Once I decided it was better to trust life, I surrendered in advance to whatever life sent my way.

I held this trust mainly on a spiritual level. All of our physical experiences here are temporary. Eventually I’m going to lose everything in the physical realm. So my purpose in trusting life cannot be to trust that I’ll be able to acquire material wealth or great friends or amazing business partners and keep all of them forever. In fact, I can trust that all of those things will eventually be lost. So I surrendered to the inevitability of loss.

To trust life at a spiritual level means trusting that there’s a greater purpose to my existence, even if I don’t understand what that is. I trust that life is helping me to learn, grow, and have meaningful experiences. I trust that life is absolutely, positively on my side. I believe that life will never, ever betray me.

This level of trust transforms everything else. I may get screwed over in business again. I may lose money. I may be physically hurt or get sick. I don’t feel I can control all of those factors. But with the level of trust I have now, I don’t need to control them.

I trust that even when seemingly difficult challenges come into my life, there’s a reason they’re showing up. Life is teaching me more lessons. It’s teaching me how to be in the flow, to learn, to grow, and to love. It’s teaching me to be less attached to outcomes and more present in the moment. It’s helping me to stay on the path with a heart. I love that it’s doing this for me. And I trust that it will continue.

I feel very aligned with the flow of life. I feel that the whole universe has my back. I feel that I live in a loving and supportive world.

But I also feel that life is going to keep challenging me. It will push my buttons. It will expose my deepest vulnerabilities. It won’t let me settle or coast for too long. It will keep jostling me to help me grow.

The more I surrender to this flow, the more life seems to reward me. It showers me with loving connections, beautiful experiences, and cherished memories. But it also brings me plenty of powerful lessons.

You see… my early business setbacks didn’t really have to do with trusting the wrong people. They had to do with failing to fully trust in life. I chased money and success instead of following my path with a heart. I relied on the creative advice of others instead trusting my own creativity. I could say that I attracted the wrong business partners, but I actually attracted the very best partners to teach me the (very difficult) lessons I needed to learn. The pain of those lessons largely stemmed from my own stubborn resistance to them. The trust issues were mine from the get-go. Life simply reflected them to me.

You Only Have One Relationship

Ending my marriage in 2009 was a good example of trusting life. I felt myself being nudged in a more expansive direction relationship-wise, but I initially resisted it — for years!

I didn’t want to leave the comfort zone of my marriage. It was cozy and safe and warm in that relationship. My wife and I were best friends. But staying married wasn’t my path with a heart. It was the path with a heart at one time, but the path took a turn. The marriage had served its purpose. There were more lessons to be learned. I could align with them. Or I could stubbornly resist them. I tried stubborn resistance at first. It didn’t work.

Are you trying stubborn resistance in some part of your life right now? How’s that working for you? Probably about as well as it worked for me.

Looking back I’m grateful that life didn’t let me settle. It was difficult to trust it at the time, but in the end I chose to believe that life had my best interests at heart and that if I followed the path with a heart, life would support me fully.

And sure enough, life seemed to reward me for taking that next step — with a beautiful relationship that’s been going for nearly for 4 years.

Although I love being in an open relationship and have had a beautiful time exploring 4D connections with other women, especially this year, I still believe I only have one relationship. And that’s my relationship with life itself.

I don’t pretend that any of my human relationships will endure. I know they’ll all eventually end, either by separation or death. I cherish them in the present. I surrender to their temporary nature. I trust that life is set up this way for a greater purpose. I feel very aligned with that purpose, even when it’s sometimes difficult and painful to accept.

I not only forgive the people that I feel have hurt me in the past, I deeply appreciate them. They taught me valuable lessons. I learned to put my relationships ahead of money and success. I learned how to tune into my intuition. I learned to act on inspiration.

I know there are many more lessons ahead of me. I catches glimpses of some of them, and they don’t look easy. Part of me would love to stay in my current comfort zone and not progress, but I trust that life will not let me do that.

Life itself is my best friend and coach. Life knows what I need, even when I ask for something less inspired. Life doesn’t let me settle.

One reason I don’t feel jealousy in my open relationship explorations is because I only have one relationship. That’s my relationship with life. I have one relationship, and it’s a committed one, much more committed than a human marriage. I cannot betray life, and I don’t believe that life can betray me.

My individual relationships with people represent different aspects of my one relationship with life. Each person expresses different aspects of life itself, and so my human relationships reflect my relationships with the aspects of life that they represent to me.

Choosing to Trust

To overcome trust issues with people, delve into your relationship with life itself.

Do you trust life? Do you feel this is a safe place? Do you believe you’re here for a reason? Do you feel that life is guiding you through a series of challenges to help you grow? Do you feel that life rewards you for trusting it?

Or do you distrust life? Do you cling to your comfort zone, throw up your shields, and decline the challenges that are right in front of you?

Trusting life is a choice, and it’s a creative one at that. If you choose to trust life in the deepest possible way, you’ll eventually reframe every life experience to reinforce this trust. Your most painful setbacks will become growth lessons. Finding your path with a heart will become mandatory, not optional. Your decision to trust life will create the corresponding reality. This a delightful reality to experience.

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